Welcome to a SUPER SPECIAL EDITION of Hockey News! That's right, your favorite publication never goes on vacation or closes down, despite the current crisis facing our nation. Of course you know I'm referring to the shortage of toilet paper that is devastating our sphincters. Reports of people resorting to rough and cheap paper towels are plastered all over the news.
While even less effective than paper towels, other strange objects have been reported as being used such as facial tissue, used ticket stubs, magazines, cardboard, brillo pads, steel wool, hands, tree bark, dryer sheets, rocks, fully grown Chia pets, dead animal fur, live animal fur, human hair, rugs, carpet samples, pasta utensils, handfuls of mulch, roofing shingles, and even credit cards (used like a scraper). There are some that have even resulted to the method known as "dry and flake" which results in a large increase of airborne excrement particles and is the most discouraged practiced, according to leading experts in the field over at Defecations R Us, LLC.
The cause for the shortage of essential rump cleaner is unclear. There are many theories that have offered explanations, each as unlikely to be true as the next. The most commonly accepted theory comes from the unexpected popularity of the Impossible Bat sandwich rolled out by Burger King back sometime in November. The new sandwich was tested in a small market in China but soon spread like VD in a retirement home, expanding world-wide for all to enjoy. The problem with the delicious new novelty sandwich appears to be coming out the other end, literally, making messes that require excess needs for TP, hence the current shortage. There are some reports that in order to get that "natural" bat flavor, real bat was used in the production of the "imitation bat" substance used in the Impossible Bat sandwich, but Burger King has denied any such allegations.
To combat the situation, Chick-Fil-A is rolling out a new “Eat More Chikin” campaign. A spokesperson for the chain was quoted as saying, “We feel this campaign will be compelling to many consumers in our efforts to get them to try our chicken. We plan to roll this out first in the Wuhan province, and eventually expand nation wide.”
Meanwhile, the Hockey Hiatus continues (must be somehow related to the TP shortage but this reporter couldn't find the connection) but never fear - there are plenty of frozen pucks to be had during this time of crisis. I believe there is a sale on the newly signed partner and proud sponsor of this article, Corona Extra - la cerveza mas fina, Corona Light - la cerveza baja en calorias, and Corona Hard Seltzer - la agua alcoholica con gas. Find your beach and remember, anytime a goal is scored bar-down, a Corona gets its lime.
Remember, Dickie Dunn wrote this, so it's gotta be true
